#but like with all these projects and the thesis idk how much i would be able to dedicate to grad applications

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[skrunksthatwunk]

haruka should be allowed to be mad at kiryu tbh

[aspeckof-stardust]

.

[adventures-in-teyvat]

alright everyone hear me out. they would be the most autistic power couple

first of all, they simply would not piss each other off. i rest my case

jk i have more shit to spew. they have so much in common it’s insane—the autism runs rampant through their veins

they would just fucking get each other you know ?? i cant stop thinking about how lynette literally uses “robotic” language to describe her energy levels and sometimes even fucking pretends she’s a puppet or doesnt deny rumors about that because it helps her avoid social interaction. her idea of a good time is recharging by petting cats and drinking tea. like holy autism

kuni would probably think she’s chill and maybe the least annoying person he’s ever met because she just minds her business, speaks with honesty, does not engage in small talk, and generally doesnt give a shit what he thinks. and that’s kind of really amazing for him because that means he doesnt have to put on a show. she’s not concerned with offending him, and she pretty much doesn’t ever take offense at things he says, so he neither has to worry about his words nor her perception of him.

they can sit and do nothing together. they can drink bitter tea and say nothing and pet cats and be content while he works on his thesis. they dont assume anything unspoken, they communicate if they want to say something, they dont have to worry about mysterious underlying social rules with each other, they dont have to sugarcoat anything.

basically what im trying to say is they share a brain cell

both concerned with protection, afraid of losing people/harm coming to their loved ones

lynette is incredibly strong and resilient, but that doesn’t change the fact that she was a victim, and the people who know what happened to her (like lyney) (and in this hc, wanderer :3) would protect her so fiercely like aaaa idk if it’s just me projecting but i just really love the idea of them clinging to each other because they are so desperate to protect each other and aauauauayau heheaheheahah the angst

they might (MIGHT, im stretching but hear me out) know each other/have heard of each other because fatui (i think at the very least lynette would have certainly known about scaramouche as a harbinger, and it’s not too likely he’d have heard about her specifically, but he would probably be aware that the knave is the “father” of the house of hearth, so he’d be familiar with her affiliation in that way)

so anyways all i can think about lately is them growing close to each other and then being basically telepathic

like they just know how the other is feeling at any time and since they share many of the same feelings about people and socializing, they would just get each other and know what the other needs like AAAH I CANT FUCKING ARTICULATE WHAT I MEAN EXACTLY AND ITS SO FRUSTRATING I JUST. I THINK THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER AND. YEAH. FUCK

also theyre cats🔊🔊🔊🔊

[scarasimplysimping]

All In

Part 1 (might be two parts idk)

(⁠人⁠ ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠)

Summary: A bet is placed to see if you can get the Summa Cum Laude to fall in love with you. (Scaramouche x Reader) (College au)

Contains: Idk. So it's one of those love stories where there's a bet. Hu Tao and Childe are kind of assholes for the sake of this fic, I am SORRY. Reader is also kind of an ass. Ooc. Some plot holes because I don't go to college or drink or smoke. Just roll with it.

(⁠人⁠ ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠)

2,822 words 15,518 characters

What a stuck-up prick.

That's what you thought of him anyway. He was *the* Summa Cum Laude of your year. He was snobby, self-centered, friendless, and to top it all off, he just so happened to be your partner for your big thesis.

It was not by choice but he had no partner because people were afraid of him and you had no partner because well... people hated you. It wasn't a project that could be done individually either, lest you wanted to die before you graduate.

"He's such a bore." You complain to your friends on the lunch table, Hu Tao, Childe, and Xiao. "I tried to make plans with him, really. I asked if he was free, and you know what he said?" You slammed your hands on the table for dramatic effect.

Hu Tao leaned in closer, strands of her hair falling onto the table, and alarmingly close to Xiao's food, making him scowl as he moved his tray.

"He said," you began, putting up a silly impression of him with a snobby expression. "I don't need bottom feeders like you dragging down my work. I'll handle everything. Pay me if you want."

Childe snorted. Hu Tao doubled over in laughter, mainly because you're impression was so on point.

"God, what a freak." Hu Tao mused as she wiped her tears from her face, she never passed on the opportunity to talk shit about someone she didn't like. Childe agreed with her but he was partly not paying attention. He jabbed his fork into Xiao's food.

"Fucker." Xiao muttered under his breath.

Your silly clique was a ragtag bunch of misfits in their own ways. Hu Tao was your childhood friend who always had something vindictive to say or some storm to stir up. She lived for the drama.

Childe started tagging along around highschool. He was a charming, silver-tongued ginger ball of sunshine, he started developing a negative reputation over time as as somewhat of a satyr, though.

Xiao was above all the petty and immature antics whichever one of you had the gall to cook up. In all honesty, he was only there because his older brother, Zhongli had asked Childe to help him settle in to the college life. Childe owed the man a favor so he dragged the poor emo wherever you guys went and you kind of just got used to his company.

Then there was you, there was one thing that set you far apart from them all.

Money.

They were filthy rich and you, an independent college student, had not a penny to your name after you decided to up and leave your family to follow Hu Tao to college. You didn't really have to work though, your friends pretty much covered most of your college expense as casually as a friend would by you lunch.

"I know I can't really help him, I mean, my grades are dogshit right now but like I don't know how to pay him either," You said, burying your face into your palms.

Childe scoffed. "I don't even think he means it. Plus, it's nothing to worry about. We've got you covered if that greedy little nerd actually demands shit from you."

"Yeah, just let him do everything by himself," He continued "Watch him or something, in case your professor wants updates.."

A small smirk formed upon his lips. "I bet he's not that hard to watch anyway."

You playfully punched him on the shoulder "Gross!"

"You gotta admit he is kinda cute," Hu Tao chided in. "Right, Xiao?"

Xiao shrugged, far too focused on actually having lunch.

Childe snaked an arm over you. "Tell you what, (Y/N). If you can somehow bed the prudish bastard before the end of this semester, I'll fork over some money for this month's rent."

"Hu Tao pays rent."

"I'll fork over some money for anything you want."

"Hmm... I want VIP tickets to La Signora's concert."

"Done~"

"Oh my archons! Like actually?" Hu Tao couldn't tell if you both were serious. "(Y/N), your charm is above average but I don't even know if you can pull this one off."

You roll your eyes." Have faith in me. I bet he's easy."

Hu Tao leans back thoughtfully, a mischievous smirk playing on her face. "Alright, (Y/N). If you manage to pull this off I'll give you a grand.

You gape at her. "Seriously?

"Absolutely."

You know were only entertaining the idea because they had no actual faith you'd pull it off, but to you. This was easy money.

You slowly turn to the brooding emo on the table. "What about you, Xiao?"

His eyes narrowed at you. "What about me?"

"You gonna offer anything?"

He scoffs, groaning internally and being the only one with a moral compass. "Only an asshole would find bets such as these any type of fun."

Childe flicks his wrist dismissevly. "We are assholes."

(⁠人⁠ ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠)

It was hard enough convincing Scaramouche to work on the project and your (and Hu Tao's) place but now you had to deal with the emanating silence from you both. You've barely ever talked to him but the tension in your room could be cut with a knife, or maybe that was just your imagination.

He was sitting cross legged on your bed, typing away at his laptop with several papers surrounding him. You were sat across from him in the same position, nursing a cigarette in between your fingers.

"Do you want something to eat?" You finally break the silence.

He doesn't look up from the screen as he responds. "What do you have?"

You look to the ceiling, trying to recall what you and Hu Tao had last shoved into the fridge. "Uh... Pesto... Pizza... Dumplings. Probably some leftover vegetables."

"Bring me them all." Talk about shame.

"Alright." You say, putting out the cigarette on your nightstand. You couldn't help but notice the tiny scowl on Scaramouche's face as he glanced at the ashtray.

You come back balancing a bowl of pesto, a bowl of dumplings, and a bowl of salad on a box of pizza. Scaramouche pats on the side of your bed, indicating for you to drop the offerings there.

You light another cigarette as you take your previous seat in front of him.

"The weather is pretty nice today.." A sad attempt at conversation on your end.

Silence

"So... Childe's hosting a party tomorrow night, would you like to come?" You try once more.

Scaramouche still doesn't say anything, he doesn't even look up from the screen.

You blow a puff of smoke on his face. He coughs a bit before glaring at you with cold judging eyes. At least he was actually looking at you now. "I have no time to indulge in that crap."

"You have plenty of time. That thesis isn't due for another month."

"Well not exactly, since I'll be doing the work for both of us."

"Do you have a problem with me?"

"I have a problem with people like you." He glowers.

"People like me?" You raise your eyebrows.

"People who just have everything spoon fed to them by luck or by birthright and take that as a reason to slack off for the rest of their life since everything just magically works out for them." Scaramouche wasn't wrong, you really fucked around and never found out but still, what right did he have to judge you?

"Didn't know you knew me so well." You say, blowing out another puff of smoke but this time it's to the side.

Scaramouche opens his mouth to respond, then closes it once more. You had a point. It was hypocritical of him to listen to judge you based on gossip.

Finally, he speaks after a few minutes of silence.

"I was out of line." It's an apology although he doesn't outright apologize.

"Yeah." You decide to take advantage of his momentary guilt as you inquire about what he's working on. "So, do you mind telling me what you're doing?"

"Well, I'm looking online for research papers related to the topic were studying. I'm taking snippets I find interesting and I'll save them for later to expand on them in our thesis."

Scaramouche speaks a bit more but you're hardly listening. You take this time to really observe his physical appearance. Hu Tao was right; the man was cute. His eyes, his mouth, his lips. If you took a meat cleaver to the center of his skull, you'd have matching halves.

Even his hair looked softer than unicorn fur.

"(Y/N)?" He snaps you out, a displeased expression creeps upon his face upon noticing that you aren't even paying attention.

"Your hair looks softer than unicorn fur," you blurt out.

His eyes widen slightly, and you could've sworn he turned a shade pink before he feigned a disgusted look to save his dignity. "What the hell?"

You caught on immediately. There it was. Scaramouche had a weakness. The Summa Cum Laude, the bridge troll with a big brain and purple hair (as Hu Tao once described him) is someone who gets easily flustered .

"You're kind of cute." You push on.

"Shut the fuck up." His head lowers, he dares not look into your eyes.

"Come to Childe's party with me?" You ask once more.

(⁠人⁠ ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠)

Scaramouche hated you. He hated your face and your voice and your personality. He hated every single atom you were made up of, but most of all he hated the way you were able to persuade him to come to this stupid party. And for what? Just because you were the first person to ever call him cute? He'd curse you and all your descendants to come.

Childe's party was just a gathering of drunks and trouble makers. His house was practically a mansion that could fit 60% of the university's student population.

He hated the blaring lights and unbelievably loud, repetitive, and distasteful music.

"I hate this!" He has to shout for you to hear.

"I know!"

"I'm going home!"

"You can't! You're my ride home!"

"We walked here, dumbass!" Scaramouche wanted to leave you truly he did but something, wasn't letting him. His moral compass or his growing fondness of you?

Childe finds you, placing an arm around your shoulder. "Hey!" He hands you a shot glass which you graciously accept and down in a couple of seconds, much to Scaramouche's dismay.

Childe pays no attention to your companion until he does a double take and realize it's Scaramouche.

"Holy shit! Is that Scara!?" Childe grins hazily. He was drunk drunk.

Scaramouche does not respond. He is frowning while Childe handed you half a bottle of gin.

You drink it within a couple minutes as you chat with Childe.

Scaramouche stands there, awkward, cranky, and out of place as the only person he's aquatinted with in this party is getting absolutely inebriated.

At some point you don't know when or from where but you get your hands on another shot glass.

"You're not drinking that," Scaramouche states firmly.

"I am." You bring the cup to your lips but Scaramouche is faster, he snatches it from you and lets it fall to the ground.

"What gives!?"

"I'm not carrying your drunk ass home just because you drank away the capability to walk!" He shouts at you.

People are staring now. Is it because of the commotion or because Scaramouche was the last person anyone would expect to see at a party?

Scaramouche didn't like the staring or the attention. "I'm going fucking home." He says, grabbing your wrist and pulling you past the crowd. "So are you."

Childe is left there, impressed. He takes out his cellphone.

To: Hu Tao

She's actually gonna pull it off. Wtf

From: Childe

You stumble and trip as Scaramouche drags you through the night. It was a miracle you could keep up. (It wasn't, he slowed his pace on purpose to match yours but it still wasn't slow enough for your drunken ass.)

"Scara, slow dooown~"

He ignores you until he feels you slip from his grasp, landing with a thud. "What the fuck is wrong with you!? Do you not have the smarts to walk!?" The boy scolds.

You decide to rest your knees a bit as you stay on the ground.

You hear him sigh sharply before crouching in front of you. "Get on."

"What? Like piggyback style?"

"Yes, damnit just get on." His face wasn't facing you and it was dark. Scaramouche was eternally grateful to the archons that you couldn't see the way his ears reddened.

He carries you like that until you're at the front door of your place. Scaramouche gently drops you off. Miraculously not panting. (He wasn't that athletic.)

"Can I trust you enough to tuck yourself in?" The boy asks, his tone was calm this time.

You nod in response.

"Alright." Scaramouche turns his heel to leave.

"Scaramouche." You call out.

He turns back to you, a little too quickly.

You try to take a step towards him except you "accidentally" trip on air and crash onto his chest. He barely moves an inch but his hands instinctively wrap around you. You can see the exact moment he scrunches his nose as well as the moment before that where his cheeks flush.

You'll blame this on alcohol later. You'll also blame alcohol for when you pulled his collar to place a quick peck on his lips.

This was the night Scaramouche nearly passed away.

(⁠人⁠ ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠)

Scara paced around his room. What the fuck was that? Why the fuck would you do that? His heart still raced as fast as it did when you kissed him.

He replayed the kiss over and over in his mind. Why? Just why? He mussed his hair in frustration as he plopped himself on the bed. If Scaramouche focused enough, he could still feel their lips on his, even if it was just for a fleeting moment.

Why had a drunken asshole decided to take his first kiss? Why was he reacting so weirdly?

And why did he just tuck tail speed walk away right after it happened without saying shit about it?

(Y/N) will probably tell their friends. They'll gossip and laugh at how the smartest person in their program was turned into a blushing, sputtering mess at the mere kiss of some drunk. Some overly confident, obnoxious, attractive drunk who's lips were soft as velvet.

The thought has him reeling. Rolling to the side, Scaramouche pulled a pillow over his head and groaned into it.

"I'm done guessing. What's wrong with you?" His inner monologue was broken by his cyan haired roommate.

"Nothing. Fuck off, Dottore." His words still muffled by the pillow.

"All your ceaseless brooding is keeping me distracted. I suggest you stop whining if you don't want me to give you more reasons to whine."

Silence.

That came out wrong, but it got Scaramouche to shut up so who would complain?

(⁠人⁠ ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠)

It was a crush. That's what Dottore had said to him. It made jackshit sense though. Why would he like you? You were just someone he perceived as a slacker. It's possibly because you were the only one who ever showed interest in him. He'll probably get over it when he finds someone else to adore, but he couldn't.

Scaramouche was once again working on the thesis, on your bed. He didn't bring up the kiss. Maybe you'd forgotten about it? A small part of him hoped that you didn't though.

Finally, he decides to speak up. "I demand compensation."

You shoot him a confused look.

"What? Don't you remember?" Scaramouche scowls.

"You kissed me..."

"Did I?" You feign innocence.

"Do not make me repeat myself." He orders. "That was my first kiss. I demand some kind of compensation." His cheeks were heating up as it became harder and harder for him to look you in the eyes.

"Oh?" You bring your index finger below your lips in an expression of mock thoughtfulness.

Scaramouche's scowl deepens at your mocking finger below your lips. "Do not toy with me," he warns. "You took something and I want fair repayment."

You chuckle, enjoying his ruffled feathers. " And what is a first kiss worth these days?" Leaning back on your hands, you look him over appraisingly. "I'm not convinced it was really your first. You seemed to know what you were doing..."

His cheeks redden as he scrunches his nose at your audacity. "You're insufferable."

"And yet you enjoyed kissing me." You smirk. "Perhaps you even want more?"

Scaramouche's embarrassment only grows at your bold insinuation. "You presume too much, fool," he bites back, though his resolve seems weakened.

You shrug. "Suit yourself. I was just about to offer a date."

He narrows his eyes at you, as if trying to ascertain if this is some sort of trick. "A date?"

[ravenkinnie]

so uhhhh watched act iii yet. what do you think.

I was keeping track of which leaks turned out to be true because I saw people say these CANNOT be real because it's so ass and well i think that person was for the people like they are a whistle-blower. this was a warning

*there's something hysterical in the thesis that if hextech wasn't invented eventually we would all be rich. there's something so liberal about it idk. like a statement on assimilation or whatever

*heimerdinger saying he waited for ekko all that fuck ass time and then sacrificjgg himself for him...... I'm sorry who the fuck said christian linke projects on ekko and ships himself with heimer

*not vi being dead in the good reality. she was born to suffer ig

*not jinx living in some fuckass dwelling even in her good reality, she's just meant to live in someone's basement

*first of all the way when jayce had hextech he invented capitalism and when ekko and jinx had it they went back in time???? that's a statement somehow

*jinx has such ariana grande proportions like she needs a volume of hair to cover the fact that her head is so huge and she's so tiny

*the way time travel to these two is like an invention you show off at a party like they invented facebook. this world building is crazy

*I shockingly didn't even mind timebomb I can't lie, I'm not even mad. I'll find something to complain about later like idk the way they git torn apart by the invention of capitalism (by jayce) makes me giggle

*mel is like the most beautiful animated character ever I'm sorry and now she has magic??? this storyline kind of feels so detached at times but also it was so perfectly to my taste that I enjoyed it regardless. I'm fuckung OBSESSED with the dynamics between mel and her mother and I would watch this slowly unfold in a 20 episode season instead of being introduced through exposition

*viktor is so hot this season, they really ate that twink

*unfortunately the way jinxs storyline makes no sense bleeds into caitvi and caitlyns storyline so it's not really well done yk. but it feel like fanservice for a very specific type of a lesbian and I'm that lesbian. caitlyn is so beautiful and drama is so high like I kind of ate it up like I'm sorry I am watching with my pussy rn

*everyone was so hot acc. caitlyn had me mewling like cats in spring, jayce did get hot, jinx was so pretty this act

*the way jinx was like I didn't know your mom was there and that's it, okay bitch you still killed people. like the way she really perceives only emotional conflict and not moral or anything I fuck with that

*I have to just once again reiterate. caitlyns storyline and caitvi, and vis storyline too acc, were not well written and they need more seasons. however the bare bones were so hot

*this act made me realise that silco loves to say a bunch of nothing

*I mean this plot is just nonsensical the way we just held hands and sang kumbaya to solve poverty. everything solved by a speech cause we got limited as hell screen time. it's giving kendall pepsi commercial

*also they started a whole war in the time it took for vi to get out of that fucking cell

*caitvi sex scene was fucking fantastic. in a prison cell, I'm cackling. the world might be a cruel place but I just watched lesbian pussy eating in a league of legends show so sometimes good things do happen

*it really is like the best female characters come from the most misogynistic places. when ambessa slapped mel I screamedddd

*I mean they desperately needed more time and seasons there's no hiding this fact but I think ideologically this would always be like this

*like they couldn't make it good but they did make it wild instead so I appreciate this

*I am kind of sad about caitvi not getting more time because there's so much bullshit in how the character choices had to align to get them to necessary plot points and they had to speed through a lot of development but man. at least caitlyn got her pussy ate

*I acc don't hate jinxs hair. I do hate her storyline but burning down the last drop was beautifully dramatic I deserved a whole season like this

*caitlyns gotten the most pussy across this show I need everyone to remember this

*caitlyn assassinating ambessa and when that bitch went "bold little one" I'm sorry they should have been scissoring too, we didn't need maddie. it would be funnier when caitlyn has to tell vi she was with someone else too like no you do care acc!! tho caitlyn getting betrayed by a fling and almost executed is hot girl activities. like shes just my little female fantasy character

*jinx didn't get shit in writing but at least she got some cunt back. but oh my god the way her arc did nothing like both her and vi, for main characters esoecially, really adjust to the most nonsensical plot

*ambessa just got a mess of a season to be evil in like she couldn't live up to silco in s1 as a villain. I will be thinking about her and caitlyn touching each other tho. and then mel killing her??? incredible work ill cry over what could have been if it was good

*caitlyn losing an eye and getting an eyepatch girl you know this one is made for me

*mels mage lil look being just quite literally just lingerie and like one of those cheap sets you get from sex shops that come in a bag, just to remind you what game this show was born of. not that I'll hold it against her as a kai'sa main

*hollered when jayce told viktor there's beauty in imperfection mf he was dying

*I bet jinxs death scene could eat 8

in a show that isn't this. but this was so ass like the whole storyline was just ass so this doesn't feel like silos death where it's like obviously you don't want a bitch to die but it makes absolute sense for the character. this is just dumb

*I KNOW I SAID IT BUT AGAIN this show will try to fix anything through a speech I swear to fucking god. arcane believes these two cities just needed to go to couples therapy

*caitlyns so sexy with an eyepatch. like she just is. this was the highlight of the season, that caitlyn needed this fuck ass arc to get super hot

[lunarflux]

Oh I absolutely love your answer to my latest ask, thank you!!! My fear was that by what Ewan said he perhaps meant that Aemond would discard love in favor of duty, if that makes sense. That he would perhaps deny himself to love someone because he thinks it's unimportant. But I do like the thought that when he loves someone, it would be equally important for him. It all boils down to the fact that I'd really like to believe Aemond would love someone back if they loved him just as much!

I've had quite a few people ask me about that - if Aemond would walk away from someone he loves because of his duties. I still think the answer is no, though there are others who disagree. I honestly might be projecting a bit, so take my words with discretion lol

When it comes to this question, I think of my personal view on love vs relationships. My last one ended because my ambitions led to where I am now in my career whereas my ex had no ambitions at all which led him to feel insecure. For my longest (and worst) relationship, he wanted me to prioritize him over my friends which was a hard no, and I... May or may not have laughed in his face.

In the ideal scenario, a partner should encourage you to achieve your goals and never force you to make them a priority because when you love someone... Well, naturally they should be. No need for the ultimatum ever and that boils down to how confident your partner is. At the same time, a relationship is dynamic and out of your control, but your ambition is something only you have. Having a partner who not only has their own goals but also makes you feel strong enough to fight for your own is a wonderful thing! That's what he needs, and he'd love her all the more for it.

I mean, would that mean this ideal woman is also a Chaotic Neutral who believes the throne is Aemond's birthright?? Probably. I imagine she'd be calmer than him and can logic him out of his embarrassment and fear (which leads him to making bad decisions). He's "level-headed" because he feels he needs to be, so if his partner is truly neutral or is emotional about different things (maybe things he can help with), it'd be the perfect balance between two power-hungry people whose goals never coincide.

Love and ambition can exist at the same degree of importance as long as both people view them in different worlds, and choose to meet their partner somewhere in the middle. I choose to use my free time for you, I choose to speak to you about my problems. You have your life, I have mine. Duty is important because even if you leave me, it'll still be there, but that doesn't mean you're not important to me. It all needs to be mutual.

Idk how this became another thesis on my views on healthy relationships, but there you go LOL

[intertexts]

since I can't talk about my favorite bits that made me go AUGH bc of things you dont know about yet. give me ur favorite bit. what was ur favorite bit in that fic. gimme the authors notes behind the scenes ramble

AUAUAUAUA.... u r so nice 2 meee godddd what the hell. exploding u💥💥💥!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY. OK. OK. AUTHORS NOTES.

things i included that i am VERY IFFY ON but nevertheless went for:

>i think there's like 70/30 odds that they (dakota) try to do the putting ashe's headphones with thank you scientist or smth blaring on him to try & bring him back thing. can't tell you if it'll work or not but it has to come up. nevertheless i think if u were stuck in yr head for a year with the fucking trickster u would appreciate some quiet!!!!!! & its just. idk man. that's what i'd spiral over. what if one day u wake up n u don't even like all the stuff u love anymore. etc.

>I'M ALSO TAKING. A REALLY FUCKING LONG SHOT by explicitly referring to wiwi as alive? honestly? like it's a 50/50, i think that all the stuff w/ the heart etc should continue to have thematic resonance, but also i don't know how that will work with the wisps when they..... return? (<- using this word in the loosest possible way i just don't know how else to say it. when theyre onscreen again??) i'm sure the wisp thing gets some resolution i have no doubt. and i don't know if "whisperer william" and "alive body traits" are mutually exclusive. idk. idk. we'll see!!

>i'm assuming tide will make another appearance b4 the season ends. idgaf if he shows in deadwood or not i fucking HOPE NOT but i just thought man. he Would come to bring them all back n take care of them. i think he and mark should get to have a really long slightly more. real? conversation on how much parenting fucking sucks and is stressful and terrifying and they feel bad at it.

MY FAVORITE BIT. goddd. iiii. ok. i have a lot of Thoughts on wingfics & idk. i guess i always think they're a bit too easy. u have wings that u Never Ever Let Anyone Touch Except Family And Lovers and u Let Someone Preen Them and what-- there isn't even any terrifying indecipherable swirl of emotions about it?? it isn't even scary?? (& also the whole Why Is It Good When People Touch Ur Wings. "because it is" okay??? and why then?? i also am guilty of this but at least theres like. two sentences about it.) & when there's hybrid shit & its like ok suddenly u woke up with Searing Pain in ur back and things writhing around in there breaking through yr skin and bone to get out and-- thats IT??? there isn't even gonna be any lasting trauma about it? you're not even gonna feel weird about being permanently Different now? it isn't even inconvenient and painful?? so ig that's like-- the core of this one, lmao. obviously i have. Thoughts and Feelings on the whole prime nonconsensually and irrevocably changing ur body defenders thing. like. of course. thesis statement of my blog. & i have thoughts about. being a vessel & not getting any say in it, ig. idk. i hate when people take my stuff without asking!! the idea of someone taking my ME without asking is like, viscerally terrifying 2 me. not unpacking that moving on etc.... my favorite bit is ig ashe having conflicting and messy emotions on liking the way it feels. freaking out and trying 2 stonewall it out & eventually just. letting himself have the good thing. oversharing 9pm time but idk... ashe is a little Like Me in that he was a fucking shut in & never had friends until he was a teenager and doesn't really. know much about it? didn't have much experience in it? so he's really satisfying to write not in a projection-y way but an ah! i KNOW what this is like i can write this correctly!! very scary!!!! very 24/7 butterflies in ur stomach!! OH. I LIED. ACTUALLY. my favorite bit is ashe unconsciously using words & such abt capacitors and voltage and electricity etc. bc of growing up with an electrician dad :] very very small and minor but i have a lot of fucking emotions abt it actually!!! anyway. yeag <333

other behind the scenes thing: in my head wiwi is freaking the FUCK out the entire time he is going shit SHIT SHIT i'm so fucking bad at this shittttttttttttt is this what it's like for dakota to deal with me. is this what i'm like. shit. what do vynce and dakota do. hes like. cartoon running putting down the tracks just in front of the train this entire time <33 this is important to me.

[youareiron-andyouarestrong]

Answer the Questions and Tag 5 Fanfic Authors

tagged by @mosylufanfic, thank you friend!

1 . How did you get into writing fanfiction?

I think I had been telling myself stories in my head since I was old enough to think coherently, but it wasn't until I was in college that I realized that I could write those stories down, and actually put them in the world to be read by other people.

2. How many fandoms have you written in?

According to AO3, I have written in twenty-six fandoms, not counting whatever's lurking in my writing tag in my blog. The fandom I've written the most for is Rogue One.

3. How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

I started writing things to be read in the spring of 2013, so...eleven years. which is insane to think about.

4. Do you read or write more fanfiction?

I read a lot more, but I am trying to set aside dedicated time to write...at least once a week.

5. What is one way you’ve improved as a writer?

I think my phrasing has improved a lot. I love writing long, involved descriptions and worldbuilding, plus snappy banter, which is a thing I think I've gotten a lot better at in the last eleven years.

6. What’s the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

not weird per se, but I definitely looked up Indian wedding traditions for my Kanej mehndi fic and Punjabi names for children (also for a Kanej kid!fic), not to mention I tried to figure out how London neighborhoods work for a Lockwood & Co. fic (I still don't know).

7. What’s your favorite type of comment to receive on your work?

The fact that anyone comments at all is a fact that continues to blow my mind, but anyone who tells me that they loved a turn of phrase, a description, or that one particular sentence flowed/hit home/stuck with them? may they be blessed in their endeavors forever.

8. What’s the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

I wrote a Mad Max: Fury Road prompt/fic where all the characters had beast aspects/animal traits but they weren't were-animals, or something like that? Idk, I really wanted to write tiger!Max and lioness!Furiosa, so that's what I stuck with. 9. What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

Multi-chaptered!! It is so hard for me to sustain a continued story with an actual plot. my latest Lockwood & Co. piece, passed down like folksongs was the better part of a year's worth of labor, not to mention heroic beta-ing, and me going back and adding and rewriting and adding some more.

10. What is the easiest type?

Anything in media res, where I can just jump right in and get to the "good stuff," like the kissing or the action. Too often I get bogged down with the "how did we get here?" or "wait, they were against the wall, now they're on the floor? how did that happen?"

11. Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

Google Docs is the most convenient, also for sharing purposes, though if a document is like, my thesis work, I'd probably use Microsoft or something more permanent. Someday I'll save up enough to get Scrivener...like a grown up.

12. What is something you’ve been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

I really want to write a sprawling Lockwood & Co fic that's like, involved family trees and weird anecdotes about the Lockwood family, and how ghosts like exist in other places. I would also want to start introducing original characters in different works, but I'm always afraid they'll end up sounding too much like a self-insert. But I'll get there!

13. What made you choose your username?

I had just changed my tumblr handle, and I didn't want the bother of having to keep track of two usernames! so I borrowed a line from a tumblr poem that I admired: "youareiron_andyouarestron." it stuck, and that's been my name ever since.

tagging @dangerously-human, @cats-and-metersticks, @menina89, @linearao3, and @oneofthewednesdays, if they want to!

[sgtmickeyslaughter]

WEEKLY TAG WEDNESDAY

The self care edition

thank you for tagging me @creepkinginc @jrooc @lingy910y and @energievie

Name: gigi

Age: 24

What kind of day is it? i wish everyone reading this could have sat in my last design presentation this evening. it was such a bizarre combination of frustrating and horrible and absurdly hilarious we were all laughing hysterically once we saw those clients were on the elevator - pouring a big girl glass of wine as i type this

When was the last time you ate? like 10 hours ago, but I never eat lunch and dinner is in the oven at the moment

About how many hours of sleep did you get? 5 💀

Name one thing you could do to make your day better right now: text bomb all my friends in my field about my horrible meeting

Why are you not doing that thing? believe me yall, I am

What are you going to do tonight to relax? hanging out on tumblr right now, after dinner I usually write but im having a little writers block atm, so ill patiently work on my comic project and watch tele until it passes

What comfort food do you not eat often enough? Poke

What’s stopping you? its so far away :'(

Have you ever had a professional massage? no but I've really been thinking about it, but i dont like the dentist or hairdressers so I dont think i would like it, luckily my partner gives very good massages

Have you eaten fruits and vegetables today? you know it! I had lychee and bananas with breakfast and im having a salad with dinner

How much water have you had today? many glasses, im always sippin

Is there a self-care gadget you really want to buy? nothing comes to mind but ill put all of you onto something - buy an ergonomic mouse if you spend a lot of time on the computer, my hand was going numb by the end of thesis and this thing changed my life

this is the one i got, its a little pricey and im sure theres cheaper ones but seriously, changed my life

What is your favourite healthy snack?

stovetop popcorn poped in sesame oil and finished with furikake - thank me later

What is your favourite unhealthy snack? jalapeño chips

What is one thing you are going to start doing RIGHT NOW to take better care of yourself? quit my job and move to another city for my quarter life crisis idk yoga?

And to close, I want you to say one NICE thing to yourself that you really need to hear right now: i absolutely adore you! youre amazing! incredible! keep up the good work! fuck that lady with the ugly hair who shit all over your work *eye twitch*

how do you self care? @sweetbee78 @ian-galagher @mybrainismelted @mmmichyyy @iansw0rld @juliakayyy @howlinchickhowl @bawlbrayker @mickeysgaymom @stocious

[sab-teraa]

Tye Talks: A Diary Entry

(22/02/24 || 22:58 pm)

Good evening friends, I hope you are all well and having a lovely Thursday! Just one more day till the weekend! Yay <3

Inspired by the lovely @the-winds-of-destiny-xxx , I've decided to start blogging about my day. Hopefully, I will be able to stay up to date lol.

Work

Ugh, I've been up since 5am prepping myself to deliver my second lecture of the semester. It went well, kinda. The students were super interactive which is great. Application + practicality > regurgitating information. They did super well. Also, we have a new HoD, and while I really liked our previous heads, the new HoD is a breath of fresh air and I really enjoy their approach towards education.

My full-time job is actually soooo … atm. My colleague has resigned which is all cool and I wish her the best.

But, there’s a trend I’ve noticed recently within our organization … and I hope it does not present any problems in the future. Tbh, I think it has presented a problem before … but idk. Anyway, constructive criticism goes a long long way … only if you’re keen and willing to learn …. which this person defo is NOT.

Enough about my colleagues, the CEO presented me with an opportunity but I'm lowkey nervous .. bc I prefer being a private + somewhat anonymous person lol, but I obviously said yes. Let's see how it goes, anything can happen and this whole project might fall through. Especially in this economy.

All in all, I really love my job and the career path I’ve taken. I hope it does not backfire on me later on in life.

Uni

Gosh. Uni is the bane of my existence atm. Tho, i did make a bit of progress on my thesis today. I know exactly what I need to do, but I just don't have the motivation to it. But, I think I've finally got myself together .. so let's see what happens.

Also, I'm so grateful for my thesis supervisor <3 she is so understanding and supportive.

Health

Is this tmi? Maybe? Apologies if so?

But, my nose and throat have been KILLING me recently? Idk if it’s bc of the fan or what … but yup. Thank god for cloves! They’ve helped wayyyy more than anything else I’ve tried lol. Also, my pms is really starting to hit 😭😭 I’ve been in soooo much pain since I got back home.

My mentally, I’m doing okay … there’s obvs moments in the day where I’m like shit?? I’m an adult adult?? Yet my life feels so stagnant 😂 but then I try to keep it moving and not think so much about what I want … and I try to focus on what I do have…. bc I’ve done my best.

Fun and mundane

I finally got to go to my first gym class of the week - I really needed that! The housewives from my class invited me for smoothies afterwards … and they are so fun! Are they my mums age mates? Yes 😂😂 but I loved hanging out with them .. they truly live in their own bubble .. I wanna be exactly like them when I’m older lol.

Oh Oh! And I finally finished the second season of Al Rawabi School for Girls ... flip, it truly broke my heart. What an amazing show.

I really wanted to start the new season of Real Housewives of Durban … but the new Showmax app is truly YUCK! I have the ick 🫠🫠 but, I love the show waaaaay too much, so I’d probs get over it soon lol.

Other than gym and catching up on tv, I made a delicious lasagna for dinner. I'm convinced that my homemade meat sauce and cheese sauce remains undefeated, or maybe that's just me being cocky lol. If I had more space, I would have defo attempted to make the pasta too.

I'm super excited for this weekend bc my friends and I are going to this art and music event and getting food afterwards. I also really wanna buy that duvet set I saw online ... since I'm no longer purchasing an apartment (recession boo boo boo 🍅🍅🍅), I may as well just re-do my current apartment lol. It already looks great, but I've been putting off getting a new duvet set bc I presumed I was gonna buy a bigger bed lol... so I've just been rotating between the two sets I have ... and damn they've seen better days lol.

Relationships

After all he has been through, my brother finally has some great things happening. I am so proud of him. I know he will achieve everything he aspires to <3 This has also done wonders for his self-confidence, he truly needed this, and I hope ... I really hope that it stays on this positive track.

Positive family news aside, idk if anyone saw the post about my uncle? But god damn I'm annoyed af. (Side note: He is my mums cousin btw; but my entire family is close). Anyway, my uncle called my mum to rant … and according to my mum he was sooooo proud of what he said to his wife??? I’m just disgusted. Idk how. His wife could forgive him for this. I’m so glad my mum put him in his place ✋🏽✋🏽✋🏽

I know its not about me and I have no right to speak on other people's relationships, but I hate seeing people put their all into a relationship and even go against their own family to be with someone ... only for their partner to treat them like this. His wife deserves soooooo much better and its sooo heartbreaking that she has to go through. My heart truly breaks for her. I pray everything works out for her.

Conclusion

Anywho … if you made it this far! Thank you for reading my ramblings <3 wishing you a lovely day! Stay safe babes 😘

[carmenized-onions]

Oh my onions ,

This chapter was the first thing I saw when I opened my phone this morning and I immediately started reading cause when I tell u I have been waiting for it like crazy. I took a break and kept reading after my statistics class (master’s thesis kicking my ass thank u). 

It was such a relief of the tension in the previous chapters, some honest moments between Carm and Tony and also the reality and craziness of their family and faks being around. 

I am so curious to see how the DD and kids dynamic will unfold cause in season 3 I bawled my eyes out in the ice chips episode and I was so happy Sug is taking those baby steps towards redefining her relationship with her mom now that she herself is one. It would be nice to see some cathartic moments here too(obviously given the complexity of the relationships cause lord knows it’s fucked to the core). 

HELL YOU ARE MAKING ME MISS CHRISTMAS NOW I KINDA WISH WE HAD LIKE A WEEK TILL CHRISTMAS IRL CAUSE I HATE THE SUMMER. 

cuteness baby Michaela and Tony (hohoho make her and Carmy babysit pls pls) 

RICHIE THE MAN THAT U ARE. he totally is an old fashioned in my brain so I get the whiskey and peaches thought Tony u are right. 

Also …. Sydney baby I can sense the tension…. I see u getting off the floor … I SEE U NOT SAYING IT BACK SO …. 

Also side note I always listen to music while reading this to set the cinematic vibe yk yk and today I happened to listen to father John Misty’s “I love u honey bear” and “everything is free” and COINCIDENTALLY they match the vibe quite perfectly make sure to check them out if that’s your vibe, I feel the lyrics to these 2 songs were kinda fitting to this chapter (are they my personal soundtrack that played in this episode ?! Yes they are !) 

Can’t wait for next one u never fail! Can’t wait for the Christmas special if u will. ALSO 14 K I know u said for both our sanities it’s getting shorter but I’m so glad I saw a double digit no pressure my love Heheheheheh !!!! I gotta stop yapping stay safe till next one :)))))

AHHH I hope the next one isn't shit, we're dropping in like idk whenever I finish answering these last couple asks that i've let sit in my inbox for DECADES (a couple weeks). If I failed this time, no one tell me. Let's all let onion live in ignorance okay. a handful of times i was like "what if I simply restarted" at like 8k in.

But I've finished my final draft edits and I think it's fine. I think it's a very necessary chapter. It's like how I felt about Doing Too Much back in the day, but now that one's like, one of my faves in terms of how much it actually establishes--- ANYWAYS WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT let's talk about your talkings

I hope your thesis went/is going well!! It's been so fucking long where is everyone on their life projects. Me personally I'm applying to OTHER FUCKING JOBS. Who wants to pay me to write CK full time? I'm so fr.

Chapter 14 will always be that girl when it comes to tension breaking. Like christ. Two Steps Back is my favourite chapter to reread because I love Mikey and Chip and I also think I am the most in my bag when I'm writing sad shit but Chapter 14 is always nice when I'm havin a ROUGH DAYY

I hope. When I do eventually cover DD. Which is tragically for me, quite soon, that I do it fucking any justice. I'm very thankful for the compliments comparing me to canon but MAN if anything is a test of my ability to understand these characters, Donna is my final fucking exam. I am so bad. At writing moms. Just in general. Ice Chips was truly like my favourite episode of the season too, so I hope I can do all the fucking insane dynamics of adulthood blended with motherhood justice. I can barely do them justice in my own life, YKNOW??? man.

Me and my roommates take christmas so fucking seriously. As we have for the past... 3 years. And now that this is our first christmas living together again, I truly start gift planning now. did someone say psychotic? NO. i just PUT THE DATES OF EVERY SALE OF EVERY IMPORTANT RELEVANT RETAILER IN MY PERSONAL CALENDAR. I'M NORMAL. FUCK YOU I'M NORMAL!! what i'm trying to say is, it's christmas whenever you decide it's christmas.

Ohhhh Michaela Blurb. Someone request it someone request it. I so hope in S4 they let that man be a good Uncle. I know he avoids family like the plague but come on man. its a BABY!!!!!

I hope everyone loves the drink menu I have planned, or I mean--- Sorry, the drink menu chip has planned. Jerimovich you whiskey peach bitch da MAN YOU ARE!!!

It's s o hard to not write like a little bit of tension with Syd. Like I can't not. It's so in my brain I cannot get squidink out of there someone call the police dont actually

i love. when an indie bitch enters my domain. i love father john misty!! I can so see those songs. There's a lot of songs I adored for this chapter. I think my most probably unagreed with would be I Like It, by DeBarge--- Listen, I know it's so cheery-- But that's exactly it. That is so Song That's Playing At The Wedding Outside The Bathroom While We Full Breakdown In Here. HEAR ME OUT OKAY

We are,,, at 15k for this chap. Chap 14 was 14k,,,, I feel like Chap 16 is not going to be 16k (but rather, horrifically, more), but it'd be cute to continue the pattern. I'll attempt to reduce myself.

Also:

I WISH THEY MADE A CHICAGO JOKE IN CANON, esp with Carmen's drive by about Musicals in ep2? Come on man. Chicago's (the city) like. top 3 of american cities for theatre. what the fuck. SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL ARTS???

i love chicago (the musical) (maybe also the city idk), so I had to give a little credit. And frankly, while writing that bit, I watched the moment back--- He did KIND OF RUN INTO IT, LIKE I HONESTLY THINK THAT WAS KIND OF AN ACCIDENT

anyways i'm gonna shut the fuck up now chapter out soon love you bye gotta answer more asks!!

[athousandmorningss]

I have three bosses across the three universities I teach, and all of them are wonderful. Very kind, supportive, and seem to think often of me for specific tasks eg: can you take on another class? would you like to have an adjunct contract? At one Uni, my boss worked with me so that the upcoming section appears to be one class, but he upped the enrollment for it, so I'll get paid for it as if it's two classes. That kinda stuff. Adjuncting is tough for a variety of reasons. Having good bosses is a salve.

I got word I got a raise at one of the Uni's today: roughly $100 increase per credit hour. It's not much, but it's not nothing.

-

Idk what compelled me to do it, but last night I re-read my Master's thesis for the first time in many years all the way through. It was a good reminder that damn, I did that. It's not the most rigorous project, but it does serve as a reminder that I'm a good writer in multiple contexts and that yeah, I did that.

Reading it kinda made me miss the experience of being in grad school and (marginally) working thru my PhD. I was so...invested. On committees, writing, navigating my teacher identity, producing research projects, doing so much. I don't miss the workaholic ethos that graduate school encouraged. But, I do sort of miss being so intensely connected to something.

I've often pinned for and thought about teaching English courses. The thought of getting another MA, though...

-

Tree's got a wellness appointment next week. He continues to be housed in the bathroom and does really well with it. Every few hours he'll let out a Mewl, which signifies he'd like to play, and I'll go hang out with him for a few hours. He continues to sleep soundly through the night, but wakes me up early in the morning before my alarm. It's a bit like having a wee bahbey. I'll say I'm coming Tree, I'm coming! then give him his food and scoop the poop and we'll do play time.

The place I'm taking to said I could "surrender" him, or foster him if need be. I'm going to try and keep him, first: see how he acclimates and if it is feasible. If not, it's good to know the place I contacted will likely be able to take him in if I have to go that route.

Here he is doing today's naughty business. That above the toilet joint housed my makeup and some candles etc, but those were all removed a few days ago. He's really good about not destroying bathroom stuff when I'm not chilling with him, but when we do hang time, he goes a bit mad. Anyways. Turns out the storage is actually meant to be a Kitty Holder.

In my sleepy exhaustion this morning, I wrapped him tight in his bankie and brought him to my bed. Oli joined us and they both lay near each other, eyeing each other, but not saying a word. Like, hey: I see you. What's up?

That's promising.

[compacflt]

Dude you should be so so so so so proud, literally one of the best pieces I've ever read. It's the angst and complex characterization of Baldwin's Giovanni's Room meets the research behind The Alienist (the book, obvi- haven't actually seen the show yet). I adore how you maintained the characters' personal values even though I don't like them most of the time, and I now know way too much about the military in general because I would wikipedia something every third sentence. (Also thanks for that because coincidentally I'm working on a research project on how low-level fighter jet training affects marine animal behaviour, and I actually passed my first oral with flying colours because of the random knowledge I have acquired while reading/because of your fic.) That being said, I desperately want a physical copy on my bookshelf- would you ever feel comfortable distributing one or letting us go get it printed professionally? If not, I totally understand and am more than happy with what we have access to now! Seriously, thank you- it's incredible.

thank you thank you thank you for the ask!! just gonna answer by point

1. i am very proud!!! just extremely editorbrained ie have been trying to fix all the flaws for the last two months straight, and now all i see are problems & flaws that i couldn’t fix…. you guys should see my hard copy of this fic every single page is basically black with pencil. just ripped it to shreds. it’s just a writer thing i think, i am my own worst critic :(

2. if by personal values you mean political opinions … I wish it were like socially acceptable to post my extremely in-depth headcanons about random shit like this because i am so deep in it that i literally wrote out ice and mav’s voting records since 1980. Tldr: conservaDems. registered R but consistently vote D. mav would vote libertarian if his husband weren’t standing over him threatening divorce. after 1/6/21 change their registration to D & are basically just neolib shills. only reason they don’t vote obama in 2008 is that mccain was a navy vet.

3. thank you for the compliment but i am literally BEGGING you guys not to take anything i say/claim in this fic about the military to be true. there are certainly elements of the truth but many of the details i literally just made up. or altered to make plot sense (see IRST discussion ch 9, IRST was SUGGESTED by Boeing in 2007/8, not implemented until 2010ish). so much of the plot simply would not happen in real life. i can make a whole post about this sometime if people are interested cause there is actually so much I could say about real life accuracy in this fic/implications of real life shit…

4. no way???? that research project sounds so interesting??? congrats on passing ur oral!! idk what that means but congrats!!!! coincidentally i am also working on a research project—it’s why i have to stop working on this fic at some point. my senior research thesis is a novel about USAF CSAR chopper pilots so ive been doing so much research over the last 5 months… but about the USAF not the USN. my navy research HAS helped though. so maybe it’s a mutually reciprocal relationship :) i would love to hear more about ur project!!!

[polaroidcats]

i need to vagueblog because something really cool is potentially happening at work for me but idk how much i want to share with the internet because a) i don't wanna jinx it and b) i don't want to disclose too much personal information but basically today my boss told me i might have a chance at phd funding and would get to write my own project in my chosen area of research and asddfghjkll that's only like my dream come true!!!!!!!!!! still all depends on funding obviously but ahhhhh!!!! just imagine, me actually finally finishing my master thesis that has been dormant for years so i can start a phd???????!?????

[hanzajesthanza]

by the way, i wanted to thank everybody for so many kind, encouraging, and thoughtful responses to my first video. (slight vent post :>)

it did indeed take a lot of work and a lot out of me, a lot of research, multiple stupid all-nighters… but as unhealthy as it was, it was actually really good for me, i think. it was a real experiment, i honestly haven’t worked so hard on something since my thesis to graduate last year.

i felt cathartic, that i had it in me to make something like this, that i’m not useless…

i mean, i know i’m not, but ever since graduation i’ve felt so, so burned out and as a result of that, just, stupid and inexperienced compared to everyone else in my field, socially isolated, agoraphobic, even, in some cases.

(i’m one of those people that worked really hard in high school and college, and now that i’ve graduated it’s like, who am i? what is my purpose? what is my value? add burnout to that, and you have a year of feeling guilty that i’m not killing myself constantly with projects.)

so to be able to actually fucking make something that not only took a lot of work, but had me constantly pushing my comfort zone, reorganizing my space (physically and digitally) and just trying my hardest to get it done… on top of it, being really, really be passionate about what i was working on… it feels like…

it feels like, if a close friend of yours died a year ago… and you went numb with mourning… but then you just got news that they’re alive…

but the thing is, that friend is you.

it’s funny how dramatic i’m being, because i actually decided today that i don’t like the video much, and that it’s not very well-produced. (it only took me two-to-four days to start hating my artwork, of course. well, i had a good time being proud of myself while it lasted).

it’s something along the lines of calanthe’s “i hope my outburst didn’t offend you. the form, not the content.” i hope this video didn’t offend you—the form, not the content. i’m secure in the content, the research. but the form… again, like calanthe’s, very ‘in the moment.’

i woke up this morning really mad at myself for making some creative decisions that i feel cheapen the whole thing. (i don’t know what posessed me to use my accent color for a background color, it makes the whole thing look gaudy and unprofessional. i guess i just didn’t want a boring white background, but ugh… that is going to be on my list of regrets for a while).

but i placated myself knowing that the video does its job as a biography and a source of information. and the fact that youtubers sometimes remake their first videos later in their careers. (well, at least my first video is a topic that will never go out of style, it’s an essential, expository, evergreen topic of interest). and that i will make more videos, improving one thing at a time. one thing at a time. slow steps to progress.

i want to make engaging videos, but it’s really difficult because i don’t think i have a very engaging personality… it’s very “book report”-ish at the moment, lmao, i’d like to be myself. if i know who that person is.

i had a ton of anxiety about how i would be judged or what if i got it entirely wrong… (i rerecorded some parts due to this and i think that may have been a bad decision, because the cuts sound terrible, but anyways). but everyone was so encouraging and just had such a warmhearted reception to it, i don’t think i expected that. i expected mean comments for some reason, idk lol. i also expected way more pushback and cringe because i was talking about sapkowski (who, as we all know, is not very popular, for some reasons more valid than others). so i honestly have no idea where the positivity came from, except your own good souls and goodwill towards me, which is astounding, so thank you.

i want to make more videos and improve. and grow the channel, so it can serve people who are interested in the books. the books deserve something of their own, their own space. i know they’ve had their own space for as long as they’ve existed, but this would be my space for them. if that makes sense. i’m carving out an intentional space for the witcher books, slowly but surely, it will get there with time.

at the same time, i have to balance this with real life. ugh, real life. i might have serious committments this week, but i have no idea... the exact details yet. essentially, committments that may eat up all my time to the point where i’ll have no time for this large crazy video experiment after all.

my name, nimue, is… an emanation of myself. like krzysztof’s katarzyna. a poet’s name.

my person that exists within book pages, the mind, and the web. but not in real life. or rather, not yet in real life. i think they’re stuck somewhere between the screen and the floor.

i’d like to bring them to life, soon. but it will take time, work. i have no idea if i’ll have that kind of time soon. i have no idea what adulthood brings me in terms of commitments. it hurts me to abandon nimue like this. for once, i was able to bargain something for them, release myself, give into the creative flow. i spent a week being them, i think that’s the longest nimue has ever existed in the real world. and now… i have to jump back into my ‘real’ self again. “no fun allowed.” damn it. and i had just tasted that freedom, that creation.

all i know is that i can’t let them die. though i think they’re immortal inside me, after all. and perhaps one day we’ll become the same person. it could happen!